fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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August 1

It's been a while since I've written anything down, but I hope to pick it back up.  For the past 17 days, I've been meditating for one hour every day. Sometimes I'll do another hour or 20 minutes at night. I've only missed one day since starting.

What it's opened my eyes to are some inner conflicts I have yet to resolve. For example: 

The idea of what it means to be a man

Does one try and fit into society or work outside of it?

And is believing in god the right thing to do or delusional?

All of these come back to a huge issue I have: a lack of trust in people. If you asked me to name someone I trusted completely I wouldn't know who to name. There are people in my life who I respect and have had good moments of connection with but when those moments don't occur frequently I begin to judge and see them as a walking flaw. 


Writing this reminds me of another conflict which is, do you build an identity and label things as right and wrong based on my own experience or do you stay an empty vessel because you know the idea of right and wrong doesn't really exist. 


 



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