MAYBE MATURING

I had a good day today. My morning didn't go as planned but got some good news regarding a client of mine. Really the last few weeks of work have been getting better. My confidence has grown and I'm talking with clients like a true guide which I love.  Still my mind races at night. Thoughts that everything I do will cause damage like people not being able to afford their homes or generally advising badly. Taking it one step further, I'll have thoughts that everything about it, the industry, capitalism, New York, is bad and that I'm just a part of the problem. These thoughts creep up most noticeably at night when my might starts to race. Sleep has always been a problem for me. I stay up late and when I try to go to bed early my mind is restless. Other thoughts are on sex, lately I've been trying to avoid the subject. It's an issue for me as I get into situationships revolving around it. I let the thought of it tarnish sensibility and it often stops me from gettin...

 A habit I seem to have is that I get to a certain level of mastery in one area-be that a sport, a video game, or a job. Instead of trying to get better or living up to that level I instead plateau. For example I'm a very good soccer player but instead of playing with people of my level I play in lower leagues. In the video games I play, I shy away from ranked even after obtaining a fairly high rank. I feel like I didn't earn that rank and that people in that rank are better than me.  

 I just worked my butt off. Felt kinda good but am definitely drained. I was just kinda in flow state doing what I know how to do. Anyway, I'm coming home and its Friday and I don't have any friends to go out and dance with and I feel sad.

A book that's been circulated throughout males of my age group (22-25) and perhaps younger as well is Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. The main theme being that you should chase the next "thing" or "greenlight" in your life. If you've been wanting to move and suddenly find an opportunity then do it and don't look back.  I think it's shaped how a lot of people see the world including myself. Lately, I've been in a sort of limbo, having moved but now stuck at a job I don't really feel for. Theres the opportunity to become an EMT and I've been procrastinating on it. Day and night I go back and forth on wether or not it's the right thing to do and I think I just need to do it. It's my current "greenlight" so why not take it and see what comes out of it? From real estate I've been learning better interpersonal communication, from this I'll learn how to save lives and work under pressure.  Worse case is I don't ...

I recently started taking risks that in the past I would not have. Risks like telling my boss I want to get paid more, voicing a frustration with a roommate, and other little things of the sort. I've lived much of my life sweeping those little things under the rug which built resentment and made it hard to form genuine connections.  So as I said, the last few weeks have been a step in what I believe is the right direction. That being said I feel more isolated than ever with my roommates. Maybe it's past grievances on their end, the recent dish situation, or it's all in my head but it feels like theres tension.  At this point I'm just gonna ride it out. It doesn't feel good and if they say something so be it but I don't feel I've done anything to deserve this. I'm honestly just mad at them for how they act. I'm too exhausted to make the effort to mend. They are too closed minded and will only agree with each other since they've known each other si...

Something that comes up often in my life is the idea of trying. In sales I see this and "trying" to convince someone to work with you. In a relationship I see it as the same. And to me it always raises the question "is it worth trying?".  From my experience, the more I try the more I push things away and feel bad about myself. Typically I'm trying in hopes of gaining something and not necessarily benefiting the other party. Then it again that could be my own disposition that thinks low of myself because I would be a good friend, boyfriend, or business connection.  The issue for me is believing that–and I think that has to start with understanding who I strive to be.  Realistically that's been my issue. I've been able to understand how to go out and sell something, it's just that their has to be belief behind the product. For me, I'm not sure of what I'm selling and I don't know if the change has to come from the mindset or from the produc...