MAYBE MATURING

 I've been through an emotional roller coaster as of late. There are moments of intensity though I'll say that I've been able to almost take a third person perspective on it as opposed to the past. I'm sitting with emotions, studying them more clearly now. Sometimes I don't understand them, and often I want to change them. Tonight I couldn't understand what I felt, I know I want this girl to love me, but I also know that I'm overly attaching myself to someone I've met once briefly. I do that every time. Any interaction with a women I find attractive becomes this do or die situation where I need to act. I need to ask her out, look impressive, look non-chalant. Then the moment passes, she gets off the subway and my heart sinks. For that moment though I'm happy. She chose me, she chose to stand next to me, when she turned around she wanted me to look at her butt.  These thoughts keep me trapped, and make any interaction with someone I'm attracted to...

 I'm always fighting myself and my ways. I want to be like others, I want to be passionate about one thing and do it well. I want to make a lot of money and I also want to save the world. I want to be humble and and one with nature. I also want to have sex with beautiful women.  Sometimes I embody these wants, in which case I feel a temporary moment of happiness. When that thing inevitably disappears or the moment passes I begin to feel bitter again. I think that I need to accept that this is how I am. I grew up moving, being different. I like learning new things and I don't want to settle for things that make me unhappy. Maybe my transient ways ARE who I am and instead of being angry about them, learn to love yourself for the exact reason you hated yourself.  Think about how many unique experiences you've had. Living in the Caribbean, Italy, Wisconsin, New York, surfing in Costa Rica, having friends in the Netherlands, the mountains in boulder, Colorado. Working in resta...

 A question I often think about is how much sacrifice is required in life? I equate success to the amount of time someone is willing to endure hardship and pain. For example, a doctor spent 8-10 years in post graduate education plus the hard work it took to get into medical school. The outcome is a well respected, paid member of society. Or think of the professional athlete, going on runs every day, eating healthy, avoiding junk food, drugs, alcohol–leaving friends and family behind to play for a team.  Is that the truth? Is that the path to happiness? Can you become successful without sacrifice? Can you become happy without sacrifice? These are the questions that linger on my mind as I decide wether I want to become a pro soccer player. The sacrifice is leaving New York–living here is my dream but I want to play soccer too. 

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...