MAYBE MATURING

The first thing I think of on this small journey I've had recently is the idea that you already know what you want you are just scared to go for it. Scared of finding out what it actually means to put oneself, needs, and wants out into the world. It's a scary thing because most of the time the world seems to shut them down right away–like getting rejected by a beautiful girl.  You can get over that, even if it's hard but now imagine pursuing your goal or mission in life. Imagine what the pain of losing that would feel like. That's the risk then. The pain of losing your life's pursuit. I think then what you must tell yourself is that life is not in achieving your goals but in striving for them. In doing so you are effectively living your life.  When you decide that you want to pursue it you will quickly find that there will be many doubts. From all angles, including yourself–mostly yourself. What you must do is build a strong enough belief system to counter the enorm...

I really want to watch porn right now. Instead I tune into my mid section. I can feel the discomfort. I slow my breathing. Every inbreath takes me away from the pain.

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...

I had a good day today. My morning didn't go as planned but got some good news regarding a client of mine. Really the last few weeks of work have been getting better. My confidence has grown and I'm talking with clients like a true guide which I love.  Still my mind races at night. Thoughts that everything I do will cause damage like people not being able to afford their homes or generally advising badly. Taking it one step further, I'll have thoughts that everything about it, the industry, capitalism, New York, is bad and that I'm just a part of the problem. These thoughts creep up most noticeably at night when my might starts to race. Sleep has always been a problem for me. I stay up late and when I try to go to bed early my mind is restless. Other thoughts are on sex, lately I've been trying to avoid the subject. It's an issue for me as I get into situationships revolving around it. I let the thought of it tarnish sensibility and it often stops me from gettin...