MAYBE MATURING

I go between two mindsets. The first is one that feels authentic and sweet. I think to myself I could do anything and that I should try it. For example, I just had a thought to produce a podcast where I interview my friends and get their philosophical views.  I was really excited about this idea but then I get triggered by something and it makes me doubt it. The example today is that I opened instagram and saw that Elon Musk is a trillionaire and that he wants to go to Mars. I doubt particularly like Musk but I do respect that effort. The comments were people arguing with some saying he has too much money and others saying that's what you deserve when you work hard.  When I hear that I start to think about my choices and that maybe I'm not a hard worker. I just want to do some podcast that doesn't really produce anything material. Then I get in my head and the idea dies slowly.  

I don't get it. Am I suppose to jack off into perpetuity? This force of nature causes a deep mix of emotions for me. Friends turn into people I want to fuck, people I shouldn't fuck, turn into people I want to fuck.  All I want is some consistency in thought but every moment changes my perception. When I nut my perception switches. I get into relationships to have consistent sex. Group interactions become emotional latches to women I'm attracted too. It becomes a competition with the guys and a game with the women. I can never tell if they like me. I don't know if somethings wrong with me. I'm tired trying to fix myself. 

Through my 24 years on this planet I've spent a lot of it thinking about how I'm perceived by others. There's always been a nagging urge to please and impress. I looked for the people who were the best at this. My takeaways were to be outgoing, loud, and unaffected. I embodied them but they didn't stick. For years I would try and be this person I wasn't–and for the most part was unsuccessful in reaching my goal of being liked. I reached a breaking point recently where all that effort into being someone else stopped being worth it. The kicker was the continuous pursuit of actions that didn't have a planned outcome of being liked. Meaning that instead of choosing to do something to please, I chose to do something I thought was right. This is difficult, especially with people you like/rely on for income. You venture into unknown territory, you lose control (you never had any). In my life I've been quiet, not always, but I've always disliked large group sett...

 Going out I find it increasingly difficult to talk to women. The idea of approaching a women and talking to her feels like I'm a salesman. It's like I'm putting on a performance with the message being "here is why you should fuck me".  Maybe I choose this reasoning cause I'm scared to get rejected. That notion is definitely true. Still I think I that approach won't net me the women I want. What will? I don't know but my assumption is that as long as I stay true to myself they will find me.  Maybe that's naive or delusional but I don't see a way around it. I'm looking in the wrong place. I don't think drinking in inherently bad but I can't get this drunk. I've said it before but I need to mean it. I just let myself go and follow someone else's lead whose equally if not more fucked up.  Cool it on the drinking, join groups, have a schedule that works. Play sports. Things will work out.

 After a night out I find myself conflicted by my actions. I shared a cigarette with a person who identified as "them" and it was pleasant. Unfortunately, I was tested immediately by two guys. We got into a conversation that seemed pleasant but took a turn for the worst when one of them said faggot. I took offense but wasn't quick to defend my new friend. Instead I inquired and in doing lost an ally. I saw the humanity in the man that said that term and reasoned with him. I told him I don't think he should say it but I didn't get mad.  My new friend left abruptly. At the end of the night I saw them and they told me that I didn't defend them.  I shouted back that I did but in my head I realized I didn't. I was cowardly. At that is where my first lesson is learned. Defend your beliefs even against scrutiny. There was a clear wrong and I tried to be a moderator knowing very well which side I was on.  In the future I won't make this mistake. 

A predicament I often find myself in is this. I won't masterbate for a few days. Afterwhich I get horny and want to masterbate. My mind instantly goes to wanting to watch porn.  The conflict that arises is this sense of guilt for watching porn instead of going out and finding a women. Am I somehow wasting my potential by just jerking off to porn? Am I harming myself by doing so?  One argument is that I'd just hurt the women I find cause I just want her for sex.