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experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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Hitching onto realities

 I met a man who lived in Costa Rica for 4 years. I had just been there and loved it so much so we got to talking. We both shared parts of our lives but I soon noticed, like I do with many people I admire–I begin to think of him as god and his words as gospel. I detach from my own sense of reality and goals and listen intensely to theirs.  There's a shame in pursuing what you believe and trusting your gut. Often you don't want to tell people. What else can you do but reflect and continue your pursuit? Nothing.
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Some thoughts on anger and reality.

 There are things I've been raised to believe that create the reality I live in. Vague ideas of class, poverty, and wealth stew in my mind–never truly being answered by anyone or anything. What do "you" believe becomes the question I ask myself and even then I fail to recognize how one can have beliefs about anything in a world where everyone lives a separate reality defined by their own belief systems.  What is truth then? If someone is hurt by an act of another is that the fault of the other if they believed in their own way that they didn't do anything wrong?  These are just ramblings and to be honest, might be worth exploring during some periods of your life but ultimately you do have decide who "you" want to be. If you want to be rich, then that's your prerogative and you should know that many people will dislike you for it–me included depending on how you decide to reach that goal. That's the price you pay, and the price you must endure through...
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Notes on finding your way

The first thing I think of on this small journey I've had recently is the idea that you already know what you want you are just scared to go for it. Scared of finding out what it actually means to put oneself, needs, and wants out into the world. It's a scary thing because most of the time the world seems to shut them down right away–like getting rejected by a beautiful girl.  You can get over that, even if it's hard but now imagine pursuing your goal or mission in life. Imagine what the pain of losing that would feel like. That's the risk then. The pain of losing your life's pursuit. I think then what you must tell yourself is that life is not in achieving your goals but in striving for them. In doing so you are effectively living your life.  When you decide that you want to pursue it you will quickly find that there will be many doubts. From all angles, including yourself–mostly yourself. What you must do is build a strong enough belief system to counter the enorm...
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Watching porn

I really want to watch porn right now. Instead I tune into my mid section. I can feel the discomfort. I slow my breathing. Every inbreath takes me away from the pain.
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