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Showing posts from February, 2026

worldviews

 I went on a afternoon walk as a do most days. I have a beautiful scenic view just a few blocks from my house which I enjoy very much. On this particular walk, a man stopped me while I had my earbuds in. I took them thinking he was asking for directions but instead he started talking about the Bible. Now, I grew up in a atheist/agnostic household. My mother is Jewish and father Christian though neither practiced it at all. I didn't know I was suppose to have a bat mitzvah or what that even was till a few days before I turned 13.  Fast forward to today and I'm curious, so I indulge and let the man speak. What he says to me really opened my eyes to a frightening world view. From my understanding "we", "us", "our souls", sinned in a past life. This has caused god to punish us and move us and our children to this prison we call earth. We are rightfully imprisoned and suffering is guaranteed for all. If however, we stay true to the word of Jesus, follow...
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I like the music

 Going out I find it increasingly difficult to talk to women. The idea of approaching a women and talking to her feels like I'm a salesman. It's like I'm putting on a performance with the message being "here is why you should fuck me".  Maybe I choose this reasoning cause I'm scared to get rejected. That notion is definitely true. Still I think I that approach won't net me the women I want. What will? I don't know but my assumption is that as long as I stay true to myself they will find me.  Maybe that's naive or delusional but I don't see a way around it. I'm looking in the wrong place. I don't think drinking in inherently bad but I can't get this drunk. I've said it before but I need to mean it. I just let myself go and follow someone else's lead whose equally if not more fucked up.  Cool it on the drinking, join groups, have a schedule that works. Play sports. Things will work out.
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lessons 1

 After a night out I find myself conflicted by my actions. I shared a cigarette with a person who identified as "them" and it was pleasant. Unfortunately, I was tested immediately by two guys. We got into a conversation that seemed pleasant but took a turn for the worst when one of them said faggot. I took offense but wasn't quick to defend my new friend. Instead I inquired and in doing lost an ally. I saw the humanity in the man that said that term and reasoned with him. I told him I don't think he should say it but I didn't get mad.  My new friend left abruptly. At the end of the night I saw them and they told me that I didn't defend them.  I shouted back that I did but in my head I realized I didn't. I was cowardly. At that is where my first lesson is learned. Defend your beliefs even against scrutiny. There was a clear wrong and I tried to be a moderator knowing very well which side I was on.  In the future I won't make this mistake. 
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