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Showing posts from November, 2023

fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Nov 11

 I feel sad and shame. I want to have a group of friends I like but I don't right now and it sucks. When I get back to work and school I'll feel distracted with that and these feelings stay repressed till I get to the weekend again. It feels like I attract the wrong people into my life and I wish I knew how to change that. Earlier this morning I had the realization that I am not my thoughts and I could realize the negative voice that was in my head. That voice has two core beliefs:  - people shouldn't have flaws - people shouldn't make mistakes I notice this pattern most after a night out. I'll wake up and immediately regret what I did and paint this terrible picture of myself. I'll analyze every little thing and end up feeling shameful. When I can actively recognize that I'm doing this I can resort back to a natural state of being rather than becoming overwhelmed with emotion.  Another aspect of this is that certain emotions can trigger it, so it goes two w...
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