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Showing posts from April, 2024

attachment and emotional states

 I've been through an emotional roller coaster as of late. There are moments of intensity though I'll say that I've been able to almost take a third person perspective on it as opposed to the past. I'm sitting with emotions, studying them more clearly now. Sometimes I don't understand them, and often I want to change them. Tonight I couldn't understand what I felt, I know I want this girl to love me, but I also know that I'm overly attaching myself to someone I've met once briefly. I do that every time. Any interaction with a women I find attractive becomes this do or die situation where I need to act. I need to ask her out, look impressive, look non-chalant. Then the moment passes, she gets off the subway and my heart sinks. For that moment though I'm happy. She chose me, she chose to stand next to me, when she turned around she wanted me to look at her butt.  These thoughts keep me trapped, and make any interaction with someone I'm attracted to...
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April 11

 Patterns: A pattern I noticed today is my lack of self belief when it comes to choosing the people I want in my life. As soon as someone has something bad to say about someone I immediately begin judging my own idea of that person. This is a constant issue that arises and it disconnects me from creating a bond with said individual because I now lack the necessary trust in that person to make it happen. Maybe it's helped me avoid bad relationships but I also think it's stopped me from forming any meaningful ones.  In the future if I feel something of that nature arise I'll talk to the person about it. For example I'll tell them "hey, so and so said this about you and I want to know your thoughts about it". This will most likely lead to a very awkward situation but I get the most out of those sorts of interactions, regardless of the reaction.
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April 6

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It's late as fuck right now and I can't sleep. My shift was long and I ended up eating and smoking before bed which never works out well in terms of my sleep quality. I'm anxious to fall asleep so I can get my day started tomorrow but I'm struggling to shut off. Not too upset or in my head which is different than most nights. I noticed myself slipping into an anxious though pattern and was able to highlight it as such and take my attention away from it.  I feel like I'm finally starting to understand how to live a better life and truly it starts with being bold and keeping your feet planted and spine aligned and head high with that decision. The more you do this the more you understand what you truly want.  Here's a building.
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