fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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April 6

It's late as fuck right now and I can't sleep. My shift was long and I ended up eating and smoking before bed which never works out well in terms of my sleep quality. I'm anxious to fall asleep so I can get my day started tomorrow but I'm struggling to shut off. Not too upset or in my head which is different than most nights. I noticed myself slipping into an anxious though pattern and was able to highlight it as such and take my attention away from it. 

I feel like I'm finally starting to understand how to live a better life and truly it starts with being bold and keeping your feet planted and spine aligned and head high with that decision. The more you do this the more you understand what you truly want. 


Here's a building.



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