MAYBE MATURING

 I'm lying in bed alone wishing that I was with someone. Wishing that the girl I've been seeing wanted to come hang out. I'm not sure what I would feel while she's here but I know that the thought of having her here makes me happy. I worry about making mistakes and one I often think about is dating with the wrong intentions. I worry that I don't actually like her I'm just lonely. It feels like I repeat similar patterns with this girl in particular. Feeling lonely, reaching out, hanging out, and then feeling like I could do better or that I want different. This pattern scares me for my own sake and for her emotional well being as well. I want to be happy and fulfilled and think that having a girlfriend is part of that for me. The problem is that I can't commit to one. When I'm with someone there's always better, when I'm alone I crave their affection.  Maybe I think about it too hard. Maybe I'm suppose to be learning something from these failu...

 I tend to think of life as a series of moments, people and activities that happened and were around within the last few weeks, months, and years. I'd say generally that's how most would describe what their "life" is. What upsets me about my life are the swings from one polarity to the other. I'll have amazing weeks and think to myself how amazing my life is. Then I'll have a terrible week right after and think about how miserable my life is. The thought I had just now is what if creating an imaginary timeline where I classified last week as "amazing" just creates more pain? In reality the events of last week have nothing to do with the events of the next. Thinking about it like that kind of sets you up for failure. If you are happy then great that's as expected but if you are sad you're whole world crumbles. You start asking yourself what you did to deserve feeling sad instead of taking the time to feel sad. So my feelings on a certain day g...