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Showing posts from September, 2025

The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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love and happiness

 I'm lying in bed alone wishing that I was with someone. Wishing that the girl I've been seeing wanted to come hang out. I'm not sure what I would feel while she's here but I know that the thought of having her here makes me happy. I worry about making mistakes and one I often think about is dating with the wrong intentions. I worry that I don't actually like her I'm just lonely. It feels like I repeat similar patterns with this girl in particular. Feeling lonely, reaching out, hanging out, and then feeling like I could do better or that I want different. This pattern scares me for my own sake and for her emotional well being as well. I want to be happy and fulfilled and think that having a girlfriend is part of that for me. The problem is that I can't commit to one. When I'm with someone there's always better, when I'm alone I crave their affection.  Maybe I think about it too hard. Maybe I'm suppose to be learning something from these failu...
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I don't like timelines

 I tend to think of life as a series of moments, people and activities that happened and were around within the last few weeks, months, and years. I'd say generally that's how most would describe what their "life" is. What upsets me about my life are the swings from one polarity to the other. I'll have amazing weeks and think to myself how amazing my life is. Then I'll have a terrible week right after and think about how miserable my life is. The thought I had just now is what if creating an imaginary timeline where I classified last week as "amazing" just creates more pain? In reality the events of last week have nothing to do with the events of the next. Thinking about it like that kind of sets you up for failure. If you are happy then great that's as expected but if you are sad you're whole world crumbles. You start asking yourself what you did to deserve feeling sad instead of taking the time to feel sad. So my feelings on a certain day g...
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