love and happiness

 I'm lying in bed alone wishing that I was with someone. Wishing that the girl I've been seeing wanted to come hang out. I'm not sure what I would feel while she's here but I know that the thought of having her here makes me happy. I worry about making mistakes and one I often think about is dating with the wrong intentions. I worry that I don't actually like her I'm just lonely. It feels like I repeat similar patterns with this girl in particular. Feeling lonely, reaching out, hanging out, and then feeling like I could do better or that I want different. This pattern scares me for my own sake and for her emotional well being as well. I want to be happy and fulfilled and think that having a girlfriend is part of that for me. The problem is that I can't commit to one. When I'm with someone there's always better, when I'm alone I crave their affection. 

Maybe I think about it too hard. Maybe I'm suppose to be learning something from these failures and history doesn't repeat itself.