experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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love and happiness

 I'm lying in bed alone wishing that I was with someone. Wishing that the girl I've been seeing wanted to come hang out. I'm not sure what I would feel while she's here but I know that the thought of having her here makes me happy. I worry about making mistakes and one I often think about is dating with the wrong intentions. I worry that I don't actually like her I'm just lonely. It feels like I repeat similar patterns with this girl in particular. Feeling lonely, reaching out, hanging out, and then feeling like I could do better or that I want different. This pattern scares me for my own sake and for her emotional well being as well. I want to be happy and fulfilled and think that having a girlfriend is part of that for me. The problem is that I can't commit to one. When I'm with someone there's always better, when I'm alone I crave their affection. 


Maybe I think about it too hard. Maybe I'm suppose to be learning something from these failures and history doesn't repeat itself.  

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