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Showing posts from April, 2023

experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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Nothing wrong with me.

 Something pretty amazing happened to me last night. I was smoking and having the usual semi-anxious thoughts that come up when alone. I actually prefer smoking alone for this reason, I feel like I get to understand myself better.  Earlier that day I had been reading Carl Jung's "The Red Book" which I found in the school library. I found that I understood the sections I read fairly well. What stood out to me is when he began talking to his soul. I can't remember exactly what he said but the idea that there are two entities inside of us and one really got me thinking. When I was high I started asking myself why it was that I hated this other entity of mine.  It came down to comparing myself with other people and not really seeing myself in anyone. I thought that I might be an introvert and looked up a video describing the differences between them and extroverts. Mind you, in the past, I had seen a lot of these videos but always rejected the notion that I was in fact an...
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I just wanna do.

Most my life I've contemplated my actions. Actions, conversations, and pursuits were done in a calculated manor. I needed the security of knowing that whatever happened, I would be okay. In all honesty I'm surprised at how well this worked out up on to this point. Now, I've reached a breaking point, I was naive to think that I would ever find true fulfillment from life playing it safe. Right now I just want to do. What I mean by that is I want to Do and not think, Do and not control, Do and not worry. My actions will be my actions and I will have to own their consequences. What I've noticed is that in times when I felt like something was off, it was because I didn't do, instead, I listened to my thoughts and lost out on living. 
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