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Showing posts from May, 2024

fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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April 25 (forgot to post)

Day in and day out the thought most prevalent in my brain is “am I doing the right thing”. In theory this should be a good way to approach life, however the amount of anxiety this little question I always ask has created is innumerable.  Should I go ask this girl out? Are you gonna do it right? You didn’t do it right. My mind has it’s own view on right which is often observed by how others but especially those online act.  If I’m not smooth enough or feel like I have good enough a conversation I get down on myself. I feel like a failure because I’ve seen people do better.  It prevents me from trying new things, and being present with everyday life. Even when I’m relaxing I feel stressed because I should be doing something, since that’s the right thing to do.
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