MAYBE MATURING

 I've been through an emotional roller coaster as of late. There are moments of intensity though I'll say that I've been able to almost take a third person perspective on it as opposed to the past. I'm sitting with emotions, studying them more clearly now. Sometimes I don't understand them, and often I want to change them. Tonight I couldn't understand what I felt, I know I want this girl to love me, but I also know that I'm overly attaching myself to someone I've met once briefly. I do that every time. Any interaction with a women I find attractive becomes this do or die situation where I need to act. I need to ask her out, look impressive, look non-chalant. Then the moment passes, she gets off the subway and my heart sinks. For that moment though I'm happy. She chose me, she chose to stand next to me, when she turned around she wanted me to look at her butt.  These thoughts keep me trapped, and make any interaction with someone I'm attracted to...

 I'm always fighting myself and my ways. I want to be like others, I want to be passionate about one thing and do it well. I want to make a lot of money and I also want to save the world. I want to be humble and and one with nature. I also want to have sex with beautiful women.  Sometimes I embody these wants, in which case I feel a temporary moment of happiness. When that thing inevitably disappears or the moment passes I begin to feel bitter again. I think that I need to accept that this is how I am. I grew up moving, being different. I like learning new things and I don't want to settle for things that make me unhappy. Maybe my transient ways ARE who I am and instead of being angry about them, learn to love yourself for the exact reason you hated yourself.  Think about how many unique experiences you've had. Living in the Caribbean, Italy, Wisconsin, New York, surfing in Costa Rica, having friends in the Netherlands, the mountains in boulder, Colorado. Working in resta...

 A question I often think about is how much sacrifice is required in life? I equate success to the amount of time someone is willing to endure hardship and pain. For example, a doctor spent 8-10 years in post graduate education plus the hard work it took to get into medical school. The outcome is a well respected, paid member of society. Or think of the professional athlete, going on runs every day, eating healthy, avoiding junk food, drugs, alcohol–leaving friends and family behind to play for a team.  Is that the truth? Is that the path to happiness? Can you become successful without sacrifice? Can you become happy without sacrifice? These are the questions that linger on my mind as I decide wether I want to become a pro soccer player. The sacrifice is leaving New York–living here is my dream but I want to play soccer too. 

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...

 I met a man who lived in Costa Rica for 4 years. I had just been there and loved it so much so we got to talking. We both shared parts of our lives but I soon noticed, like I do with many people I admire–I begin to think of him as god and his words as gospel. I detach from my own sense of reality and goals and listen intensely to theirs.  There's a shame in pursuing what you believe and trusting your gut. Often you don't want to tell people. What else can you do but reflect and continue your pursuit? Nothing.

 There are things I've been raised to believe that create the reality I live in. Vague ideas of class, poverty, and wealth stew in my mind–never truly being answered by anyone or anything. What do "you" believe becomes the question I ask myself and even then I fail to recognize how one can have beliefs about anything in a world where everyone lives a separate reality defined by their own belief systems.  What is truth then? If someone is hurt by an act of another is that the fault of the other if they believed in their own way that they didn't do anything wrong?  These are just ramblings and to be honest, might be worth exploring during some periods of your life but ultimately you do have decide who "you" want to be. If you want to be rich, then that's your prerogative and you should know that many people will dislike you for it–me included depending on how you decide to reach that goal. That's the price you pay, and the price you must endure through...

The first thing I think of on this small journey I've had recently is the idea that you already know what you want you are just scared to go for it. Scared of finding out what it actually means to put oneself, needs, and wants out into the world. It's a scary thing because most of the time the world seems to shut them down right away–like getting rejected by a beautiful girl.  You can get over that, even if it's hard but now imagine pursuing your goal or mission in life. Imagine what the pain of losing that would feel like. That's the risk then. The pain of losing your life's pursuit. I think then what you must tell yourself is that life is not in achieving your goals but in striving for them. In doing so you are effectively living your life.  When you decide that you want to pursue it you will quickly find that there will be many doubts. From all angles, including yourself–mostly yourself. What you must do is build a strong enough belief system to counter the enorm...