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Showing posts from May, 2023

experiment with anger.

 This post is in two parts. The first will discuss my interpretation of the justified anger debate and the other will be a free flow of ideas regarding the emotion of anger. To start lets examine how anger shows up. For me it's energy in the middle region and spread throughout the body. It's thoughts of events that replay over and over again. It's the debate you have in your head of wrongness and rightness. You will meticulously retrieve every piece of information you can remember to change the story and "win" the argument with yourself. It's restlessness, inability to sleep that can spiral into motivational energy. The type of energy you want at the beginning of a soccer match. The type that gets you so hyped you don't give a shit what anyone else does or says you are going to be flowing. The ladder is the anger I want to channel instead of this somewhat uncontrolled and inconsistent rage I feel towards recent events.  I got a little off topic so lets go ...
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The Critic

 The problem with the little voice in my head is that it's sneaky and if I don't catch it and beat it the fuck up, it plants deep-rooted problems within my psyche. The other day I met a cute girl in the elevator of my apartment building. We talked a bit and I was excited about the prospect of living in the same building together. When I get home I'm a bit giddy but as soon those feelings subside, the critic begins to spread its seeds of doubts. "That interaction didn't go as good as you thought" "What if she had 0 interest in you at all" "The way you talked was weird" "You aren't good enough for her" I've been better about catching myself when these thoughts come up but it's not easy and the emotion they leave is even harder to get rid of. What I like to do is visualize absolutely curb-stomping this entity in the most gruesome way possible. The main thing is just noticing it and not letting it attach itself to me. The ...
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I don't have to listen

 Maybe it's because I thought everyone had a little voice in their head, but I always believed it was normal to trust what was being said. When I started to focus on meditation and staying present it still didn't occur to me what those practices did for me. I felt better because it was time away from the critic. The critic is this little fucker in your head that's sneaky. He will creep in with tiny, minuscule slights to your self-worth without you even realizing it. Luckily, I have finally become conscious of this and have begun work to suppress its negativity.  Now, before I continue I want to emphasize how much control this has had over me. It's the reason I'm afraid of people, it's the reason I judge so harshly, and it's the reason I hate myself. For my practice, I notice it anytime it comes up and stop it by talking to it. I'll say "Come back here fucker" or visualize putting the thing in a chokehold.  So if I'm walking in public and a ...
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