fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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The Critic

 The problem with the little voice in my head is that it's sneaky and if I don't catch it and beat it the fuck up, it plants deep-rooted problems within my psyche. The other day I met a cute girl in the elevator of my apartment building. We talked a bit and I was excited about the prospect of living in the same building together. When I get home I'm a bit giddy but as soon those feelings subside, the critic begins to spread its seeds of doubts.


"That interaction didn't go as good as you thought"

"What if she had 0 interest in you at all"

"The way you talked was weird"

"You aren't good enough for her"


I've been better about catching myself when these thoughts come up but it's not easy and the emotion they leave is even harder to get rid of. What I like to do is visualize absolutely curb-stomping this entity in the most gruesome way possible. The main thing is just noticing it and not letting it attach itself to me.

The problem is that these thoughts not only taint my feelings towards this girl but now make me doubt all my past and current relationships.


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