MAYBE MATURING

I had a good day today. My morning didn't go as planned but got some good news regarding a client of mine. Really the last few weeks of work have been getting better. My confidence has grown and I'm talking with clients like a true guide which I love.  Still my mind races at night. Thoughts that everything I do will cause damage like people not being able to afford their homes or generally advising badly. Taking it one step further, I'll have thoughts that everything about it, the industry, capitalism, New York, is bad and that I'm just a part of the problem. These thoughts creep up most noticeably at night when my might starts to race. Sleep has always been a problem for me. I stay up late and when I try to go to bed early my mind is restless. Other thoughts are on sex, lately I've been trying to avoid the subject. It's an issue for me as I get into situationships revolving around it. I let the thought of it tarnish sensibility and it often stops me from gettin...

 A habit I seem to have is that I get to a certain level of mastery in one area-be that a sport, a video game, or a job. Instead of trying to get better or living up to that level I instead plateau. For example I'm a very good soccer player but instead of playing with people of my level I play in lower leagues. In the video games I play, I shy away from ranked even after obtaining a fairly high rank. I feel like I didn't earn that rank and that people in that rank are better than me.  

 I just worked my butt off. Felt kinda good but am definitely drained. I was just kinda in flow state doing what I know how to do. Anyway, I'm coming home and its Friday and I don't have any friends to go out and dance with and I feel sad.

A book that's been circulated throughout males of my age group (22-25) and perhaps younger as well is Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. The main theme being that you should chase the next "thing" or "greenlight" in your life. If you've been wanting to move and suddenly find an opportunity then do it and don't look back.  I think it's shaped how a lot of people see the world including myself. Lately, I've been in a sort of limbo, having moved but now stuck at a job I don't really feel for. Theres the opportunity to become an EMT and I've been procrastinating on it. Day and night I go back and forth on wether or not it's the right thing to do and I think I just need to do it. It's my current "greenlight" so why not take it and see what comes out of it? From real estate I've been learning better interpersonal communication, from this I'll learn how to save lives and work under pressure.  Worse case is I don't ...

I recently started taking risks that in the past I would not have. Risks like telling my boss I want to get paid more, voicing a frustration with a roommate, and other little things of the sort. I've lived much of my life sweeping those little things under the rug which built resentment and made it hard to form genuine connections.  So as I said, the last few weeks have been a step in what I believe is the right direction. That being said I feel more isolated than ever with my roommates. Maybe it's past grievances on their end, the recent dish situation, or it's all in my head but it feels like theres tension.  At this point I'm just gonna ride it out. It doesn't feel good and if they say something so be it but I don't feel I've done anything to deserve this. I'm honestly just mad at them for how they act. I'm too exhausted to make the effort to mend. They are too closed minded and will only agree with each other since they've known each other si...

Something that comes up often in my life is the idea of trying. In sales I see this and "trying" to convince someone to work with you. In a relationship I see it as the same. And to me it always raises the question "is it worth trying?".  From my experience, the more I try the more I push things away and feel bad about myself. Typically I'm trying in hopes of gaining something and not necessarily benefiting the other party. Then it again that could be my own disposition that thinks low of myself because I would be a good friend, boyfriend, or business connection.  The issue for me is believing that–and I think that has to start with understanding who I strive to be.  Realistically that's been my issue. I've been able to understand how to go out and sell something, it's just that their has to be belief behind the product. For me, I'm not sure of what I'm selling and I don't know if the change has to come from the mindset or from the produc...

The thought that I am not in a position to date recently crossed my mind. The women I dm'd hasn't responded though I know now she had spent the day on a boat.  The first thought I have is that I'm either competing with guys who have boats or her family is well off. Both put me into a position of insecurity since I neither have a boat nor am well off. I have confidence that I'll figure it out but in the meantime I feel like it hurts my dating odds.  I'm still gonna text her asking her out, but just waiting on her to reply.

I recently Instagram messaged a girl who I met through a mutual friend. We had a good time dancing and though I wasn't sure if my mutual friend was into her so didn't ask for her number. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm trying to make decisions for myself and what I want. I text her about fun things to do in the city we both live in since she's from here.  No reply for a few hours and it stings a little but deep down I know that it's worth it that I tried. Then she responds and seems really enthusiastic and gives me some great recommendations. Now I feel even more pressure. Cause what I really want is to just ask her out. Instead now I feel this pressure to continue the conversation and every thing I say twirls in my mind a million times over. It's basically the same anxiety of talking to a pretty girl at the bar. Thoughts that she's gonna judge me, I'm not good enough, everything blurs my mind and I can't even focus. Action : I'm going to ask he...

There's a perpetual cycle of unhappiness that fills my life. I think it's always there but "happy" things mask it. I use quotes cause I derive much of my happiness from material and by their nature fleeting things–sex, drugs, money give me my highs, but when that wears off I'm left alone.  I search for something to latch onto in these moments. Any form of entertainment will do. That drowns out the though temporarily, luckily I can find entertainment almost everywhere online, through video games, sport tournaments, movies, and so much more content.  When I do sit alone with my thoughts they consist of similar patterns–friends, women, work. Now, these aren't immaterial and very important in fact though it's the things I struggle most with. My friendships feel one-sided, my relationships feel no love, and I have no passion for my career.  Everything feels so permanent. The people in my life don't change so nothing changes. I don't think it's right...

Still feeling the effects. My neck hurts for some reason. Not sure if it was the run I went on or sleeping poorly. I went back to E's apartment after a night of drinking with her. She said that she wanted to sleep with me but is withholding for her own self-esteem. I understood but was frustrated. I go back and forth on my relationship with E. There are moments I think she's wonderful and then moments where she is not. Ultimately I've never been able to picture it working for very long and that has created the most doubt of all. The scary thing is that I've had that pattern with every women I've dated. Perhaps in correlation, I always feel like I fall into my relationships and ALWAYS sleep with them almost immediately. That typically breaks the trance and a little voice in my head tells me theres something wrong. I listen until the voice down below starts to get louder.  My predicament is that for myself to feel good and be in the mood to date I need to be having my...

 I went on a afternoon walk as a do most days. I have a beautiful scenic view just a few blocks from my house which I enjoy very much. On this particular walk, a man stopped me while I had my earbuds in. I took them thinking he was asking for directions but instead he started talking about the Bible. Now, I grew up in a atheist/agnostic household. My mother is Jewish and father Christian though neither practiced it at all. I didn't know I was suppose to have a bat mitzvah or what that even was till a few days before I turned 13.  Fast forward to today and I'm curious, so I indulge and let the man speak. What he says to me really opened my eyes to a frightening world view. From my understanding "we", "us", "our souls", sinned in a past life. This has caused god to punish us and move us and our children to this prison we call earth. We are rightfully imprisoned and suffering is guaranteed for all. If however, we stay true to the word of Jesus, follow...

 I've been somewhat offered a new position at a different company. I'd be doing similar things though pay should in theory be more linear than sporadic as it has been now and I'd be working with more people my age in a more close-knit office. In the past I think I would have jumped on this opportunity but I want to make sure I'm not rushing into anything.  My current situation is that I'm spending most of it doing work alone–which for the most part I don't really dislike but I think as I'm learning I need more hand holding. My current boss is very busy and doesn't really have time for that he stated. I am at a more prestigious company and the resources are nice.  My main hang up right now is that I've been frustrated with my boss for a while and I don't know if saying something is the right thing to do or even if I have anything to say or request. I don't really want to get in the habit of jumping ship every 6 months so I don't know.

I go between two mindsets. The first is one that feels authentic and sweet. I think to myself I could do anything and that I should try it. For example, I just had a thought to produce a podcast where I interview my friends and get their philosophical views.  I was really excited about this idea but then I get triggered by something and it makes me doubt it. The example today is that I opened instagram and saw that Elon Musk is a trillionaire and that he wants to go to Mars. I doubt particularly like Musk but I do respect that effort. The comments were people arguing with some saying he has too much money and others saying that's what you deserve when you work hard.  When I hear that I start to think about my choices and that maybe I'm not a hard worker. I just want to do some podcast that doesn't really produce anything material. Then I get in my head and the idea dies slowly.