Night after hungover day

Still feeling the effects. My neck hurts for some reason. Not sure if it was the run I went on or sleeping poorly. I went back to E's apartment after a night of drinking with her. She said that she wanted to sleep with me but is withholding for her own self-esteem. I understood but was frustrated. I go back and forth on my relationship with E. There are moments I think she's wonderful and then moments where she is not. Ultimately I've never been able to picture it working for very long and that has created the most doubt of all.

The scary thing is that I've had that pattern with every women I've dated. Perhaps in correlation, I always feel like I fall into my relationships and ALWAYS sleep with them almost immediately. That typically breaks the trance and a little voice in my head tells me theres something wrong. I listen until the voice down below starts to get louder. 

My predicament is that for myself to feel good and be in the mood to date I need to be having my sexual needs met. The ideal situation is having a friends with benefits up till that point and then start dating someone and switch to that being the person meeting my needs. That was E for a little bit but then it got messy cause we hung out almost every day. 

Another issue that arises with this is that, if I am in a relationship I still crave sex so much that it effects my decisions. I want to make sure I'm always in a position to get some which can be manipulative. 

Ultimately I have two sides and they have opposite objectives. One wants instant gratification and the other wants long term success and happiness. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't believe the long term goals are worth being unhappy in the moment for.