fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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trying

Something that comes up often in my life is the idea of trying. In sales I see this and "trying" to convince someone to work with you. In a relationship I see it as the same. And to me it always raises the question "is it worth trying?". 

From my experience, the more I try the more I push things away and feel bad about myself. Typically I'm trying in hopes of gaining something and not necessarily benefiting the other party. Then it again that could be my own disposition that thinks low of myself because I would be a good friend, boyfriend, or business connection. 

The issue for me is believing that–and I think that has to start with understanding who I strive to be. 

Realistically that's been my issue. I've been able to understand how to go out and sell something, it's just that their has to be belief behind the product. For me, I'm not sure of what I'm selling and I don't know if the change has to come from the mindset or from the product. 

Thought: Do I change in hopes of aligning with my true self or do I embrace my current situation as my reality.

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