fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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capitalism

I go between two mindsets. The first is one that feels authentic and sweet. I think to myself I could do anything and that I should try it. For example, I just had a thought to produce a podcast where I interview my friends and get their philosophical views. 

I was really excited about this idea but then I get triggered by something and it makes me doubt it. The example today is that I opened instagram and saw that Elon Musk is a trillionaire and that he wants to go to Mars. I doubt particularly like Musk but I do respect that effort. The comments were people arguing with some saying he has too much money and others saying that's what you deserve when you work hard. 

When I hear that I start to think about my choices and that maybe I'm not a hard worker. I just want to do some podcast that doesn't really produce anything material. Then I get in my head and the idea dies slowly.  

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