fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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texting

I recently Instagram messaged a girl who I met through a mutual friend. We had a good time dancing and though I wasn't sure if my mutual friend was into her so didn't ask for her number. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm trying to make decisions for myself and what I want. I text her about fun things to do in the city we both live in since she's from here. 

No reply for a few hours and it stings a little but deep down I know that it's worth it that I tried. Then she responds and seems really enthusiastic and gives me some great recommendations. Now I feel even more pressure. Cause what I really want is to just ask her out. Instead now I feel this pressure to continue the conversation and every thing I say twirls in my mind a million times over. It's basically the same anxiety of talking to a pretty girl at the bar. Thoughts that she's gonna judge me, I'm not good enough, everything blurs my mind and I can't even focus.

Action: I'm going to ask her out directly.

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