cycle of happiness over a constant sadness

There's a perpetual cycle of unhappiness that fills my life. I think it's always there but "happy" things mask it. I use quotes cause I derive much of my happiness from material and by their nature fleeting things–sex, drugs, money give me my highs, but when that wears off I'm left alone. 

I search for something to latch onto in these moments. Any form of entertainment will do. That drowns out the though temporarily, luckily I can find entertainment almost everywhere online, through video games, sport tournaments, movies, and so much more content. 

When I do sit alone with my thoughts they consist of similar patterns–friends, women, work. Now, these aren't immaterial and very important in fact though it's the things I struggle most with. My friendships feel one-sided, my relationships feel no love, and I have no passion for my career. 

Everything feels so permanent. The people in my life don't change so nothing changes. I don't think it's right to abandon the people I know. My thought has always been to "love yours" as J.Cole would say. Though I increasingly don't know if I can. 

Same goes with my romantic relationships and career. I can't seem to let go of the things I say I hate. Cause deep down I don't know if I hate them. I don't know who I am or what I want so I'm stuck in this reality that wobbles with my moods.