Hitching onto realities

 I met a man who lived in Costa Rica for 4 years. I had just been there and loved it so much so we got to talking. We both shared parts of our lives but I soon noticed, like I do with many people I admire–I begin to think of him as god and his words as gospel. I detach from my own sense of reality and goals and listen intensely to theirs.  There's a shame in pursuing what you believe and trusting your gut. Often you don't want to tell people. What else can you do but reflect and continue your pursuit? Nothing.
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Good day

I had a good day today. My morning didn't go as planned but got some good news regarding a client of mine. Really the last few weeks of work have been getting better. My confidence has grown and I'm talking with clients like a true guide which I love. 

Still my mind races at night. Thoughts that everything I do will cause damage like people not being able to afford their homes or generally advising badly. Taking it one step further, I'll have thoughts that everything about it, the industry, capitalism, New York, is bad and that I'm just a part of the problem.

These thoughts creep up most noticeably at night when my might starts to race. Sleep has always been a problem for me. I stay up late and when I try to go to bed early my mind is restless. Other thoughts are on sex, lately I've been trying to avoid the subject. It's an issue for me as I get into situationships revolving around it. I let the thought of it tarnish sensibility and it often stops me from getting to know people. 

So when the thought of horniness or longing for sex comes up I feel shame.



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