fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 

The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. That's the setup.

So what is the right way to look at the world? That's a question that's always been on my mind. Seeing it from the native perspective, the white man is a conqueror, but can we not look back a few hundred years to different African or Tribal leaders who did just that (on a lesser scale) with similar beliefs? Native Americans fought amongst each other for land and resources no doubt. 

It's not that I don't sympathize, I do and wish that we lived in a more peaceful world. Ultimately though, what can I, as a white male really do? Am I being unfairly ostracized? I don't know. All I really know is that there are problems, and problems breed solutions. Can I find solutions that steer the world in a positive direction? What more can I ask of myself or anyone? 

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