attachment and emotional states

 I've been through an emotional roller coaster as of late. There are moments of intensity though I'll say that I've been able to almost take a third person perspective on it as opposed to the past. I'm sitting with emotions, studying them more clearly now. Sometimes I don't understand them, and often I want to change them. Tonight I couldn't understand what I felt, I know I want this girl to love me, but I also know that I'm overly attaching myself to someone I've met once briefly. I do that every time. Any interaction with a women I find attractive becomes this do or die situation where I need to act. I need to ask her out, look impressive, look non-chalant. Then the moment passes, she gets off the subway and my heart sinks. For that moment though I'm happy. She chose me, she chose to stand next to me, when she turned around she wanted me to look at her butt. 

These thoughts keep me trapped, and make any interaction with someone I'm attracted to extremely challenging. Getting to know someone is tense. I remember being at a party and talking to this girl who I believe had a fling with someone I knew. Anyway we were talking and all I could think is that because we are talking she wants me, and her wanting me is bad cause she could be seeing my acquaintance. After a while I must have ended the conversation abruptly or left awkwardly cause I just couldn't take the tension.

Anyway, I'm kind of dogging myself, maybe sometimes my radar is accurate, I have attracted attractive women though never to the extent of dating them. This girl I went on a date with would definitely  be the most attractive person I'd be with. But I think she doesn't like me. And I think I need to live with that. Maybe it wasn't anything I did. I've been on dates before and not liked the person. Typically it was an attraction thing which is hard and I know I must have hurt some people. 

I've begun to ramble, but another thought I had was of the many relationships I've ended and how friend groups crumbled. Alyssa, Mia, Lindsay, Emily–I wanted them to want me, that made me feel whole. I could never give myself to them though, I could never be there when they needed me. All the breakups ended poorly, and in took a while for things to actually be broken up. I would hurt them, then I would want them back cause I needed the validation and I mistook that lust for love (maybe I knew sometimes), then I would be back and realize that didn't actually make me happy.