fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Oct 21

So I have this pillow that I sleep on. It's very flat and uncomfortable and every time I get into bed I struggle to find a good way to position it. While I'm struggling I tell myself that I should get a new pillow. Then I go to bed, wake up, and completely forget that I had that need until I get back in bed. 

I think this is a good analogy for how I treat my own needs. I'll recognize them in the moment, but for the rest of the day, I will drown them out by keeping busy. 



For example, the need for friends, while the school week is in session I feel perfectly content but as soon as the weekend hits I become anxious and depressed. This cycle does not end until I forcefully put effort into addressing it. 

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