fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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August 21st

I'm having a hard time falling asleep. I keep thinking about what I said to my friend. I indirectly insulted him without even thinking about it. He reacted by telling me he felt insulted but I blew it off thinking he was just joking around. I replay the event in my head over and over and don't know if I should apologize or not. 

The reason I would apologize is because I like my friend and don't want him to think I think poorly of him. 

The reason I wouldn't apologize is because I don't want to come off as clingy or super nice to the point where he can say whatever he wants and I am always walking on eggshells. Another reason is sometimes I blow things like this way out of proportion and will think someone hates me for something I said but when I see them it's totally fine. Another confirmation of this is him texting me, asking me about a date I went on.

Still, the thought has been on my mind for the last day and half since it happened. I'll probably end up bringing it up. 

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