fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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self-defense

 I've gone through some major changes recently, most emanating from a mistake I made at work. Another employee called me a "cunt" for making said mistake to which I froze. I didn't confront him that day and felt guilty about it the entire weekend. In my mind however, something had already changed. I knew that I had to confront him and mentally prepared for it by going on a long walk, screaming in my car, and practicing what I was going to tell him. The day rolls around and as soon as I get into work I go up to him and say I need to talk to you. I confront him about what happened and he plays it off like it was a misunderstanding. He comes up to me a few more times that day apologizing but not taking full responsibility. I'm still annoyed but more so pleased with myself than anything else. 


Anyway, that event and the defending of self lit a spark in me. I feel empowered and really ready to start living life how I should have been. With good boundaries and being able to do what I want.

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