masculinity

 I've struggled with the concept of masculinity for a few years now starting around my sophomore year in college. I started getting frustrated with the relationships (male and female) that I was getting into. I never felt satisfied. I was always on one end of the extremes, either ecstatic or depressed and anxious. I started reading this book called No More Mr. Nice Guy and instantly connected with the stories being told. The concept is that men through parenting, upbringing, and surrounding cultural climate have become shells of themselves and that that is an inherently bad thing. 

The author characteristic a "Nice Guy" as someone who isn't actually nice. They pretend to be nice to gain approval and get their needs met. An example is someone who is nice to women in hopes that he can sleep with them. He frames it as manipulative and that it's a cycle you want to break out of. I agreed with him when I first read it and still agree with a lot of what he has to say. 

What I agree strongly with is that childhood trauma/upbringing has an extremely big effect on how you act as an adult. As a child I didn't feel like I got my needs met from either my mother or father and was left seeking their approval often. This led me to be a very "good" child, as my mom would say. My friends parents would always praise me for how well behaved I was. At some points I took pride in that but often I felt like that wasn't me. I was just being nice so they could say nice things about me.

I've had this book and concepts in the back of my mind for years, I still reread it every once and a while and as I mature the concepts become more clear to me. 

With that being said, here we are today and although I have this vague idea of what it means to be a man I still struggle fully believing that's what I want. He frames a man as someone who asks for what they want, leads, is strong, leaves bad situations for better, and has strong male relationships. Things I agree with in theory but are much more vague in actual execution. 

What I also tend to believe is a harmony in the universe where things are aligned exactly how they should be and every action I take is exactly as it should be taken. The only thing I can control in this sense is my perception of things. 

A good example of this struggle between the two opposing forces is my current relationship with my high school friends. For context we have a large friend group of about 8 guys who do everything together. Some have started to have girlfriends and spend less time with us but for the most part we've stuck together through college and all that. 

I've personally felt for a while that I'm a little more mature then them in many respects. This is one aspect that the book talks about where nice guys will think they are better than other men because they don't joke, don't offend, don't go for what they want. And in some respects I understand this but in others I also feel like what I want is to be away from these guys and find new friendships. 

Okay that's the first part of the problem. Now in another sense, these are the guys in my life for a reason, can I shift my perspective to connect with them in a more meaningful and fulfilling way? When I did mushrooms and talked with them my whole experience of them changed, I saw all their positive traits as well as my own. The same is true when I smoke weed although not as enhanced of a feeling. 

As I write this, I realize the solution could be a combination of both. I don't have to completely leave them as friends but I could try and make new ones when possible. This means I'd see them a little less but when we did we'd have more things to talk about. Additionally, making the effort to really get to know them individually instead of as a whole group could allow for some real growth.