MAYBE MATURING

 Something pretty amazing happened to me last night. I was smoking and having the usual semi-anxious thoughts that come up when alone. I actually prefer smoking alone for this reason, I feel like I get to understand myself better.  Earlier that day I had been reading Carl Jung's "The Red Book" which I found in the school library. I found that I understood the sections I read fairly well. What stood out to me is when he began talking to his soul. I can't remember exactly what he said but the idea that there are two entities inside of us and one really got me thinking. When I was high I started asking myself why it was that I hated this other entity of mine.  It came down to comparing myself with other people and not really seeing myself in anyone. I thought that I might be an introvert and looked up a video describing the differences between them and extroverts. Mind you, in the past, I had seen a lot of these videos but always rejected the notion that I was in fact an...

Most my life I've contemplated my actions. Actions, conversations, and pursuits were done in a calculated manor. I needed the security of knowing that whatever happened, I would be okay. In all honesty I'm surprised at how well this worked out up on to this point. Now, I've reached a breaking point, I was naive to think that I would ever find true fulfillment from life playing it safe. Right now I just want to do. What I mean by that is I want to Do and not think, Do and not control, Do and not worry. My actions will be my actions and I will have to own their consequences. What I've noticed is that in times when I felt like something was off, it was because I didn't do, instead, I listened to my thoughts and lost out on living.