It's going to be okay

Some nights, like tonight I spiral down a sea of thoughts that just don't quite go away. Thoughts of my character, the character of others, decisions, direction, little interactions and everything in between stick with me. There are overarching themes of trust, self-worth, and friendship which I already think about daily.  I think about ways I could have stood up for myself better and become my own bully for not doing it. When I took a step back and told myself it's going to be alright I started to feel better. It gave some perspective and slowed my spiral down. I think of the ways I've improved my life for the better like making the decision to quit a job because it didn't fulfill my needs. Or the decision to change diets, cook more, learn more, reach out more, exercise more, stand up for myself more, and prioritize sleep and health.  These things have made me feel really good the last few months. Just writing those down calms me down and gives my mind some food for th...
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Direction

 I've often struggled with a sense of direction. My actions as well as my environment have made it somewhat easy to follow a routine path through to the end of college. Many kids get jobs right away or go back to pursue further education. I did neither. I wanted a detox from the constant "path" that I, as an American citizen was suppose to follow. The detox, coming up on a year out of school has had it's ups and downs. I've faced many fears including talking about my feelings, fears, trauma, and general anxieties that plague my days. I'm still not where I want to be but the progress was much quicker than when I'd been in school and preoccupied with everything that comes with that. 

I'm at the point where I feel a direction needs to be chosen. I have a job as a real estate agent secured in New York City for the fall which is tempting but is risky. Other options are to go back to school, or continue serving and bartending in my hometown. I can't make a decision. Each path has it's pros and cons and I've been mulling it over for months now. 

Leaving my hometown means leaving my long-time friends who I've always felt are a work in progress in terms of my relationship to them. We have ups and downs and I'm often not satisfied with them. However, I think that I'm responsible for part of the damage to the relationship as well. Part of staying would be to see if I can heal the relationship by kind of healing myself. For example, by trying to be more present and aware of my actions towards them and also being more loving and honest with them. The thing is I could be totally right about them as well and be wasting my time. Honestly, I decided to live with them and commit to staying in Madison because I wanted to see if change was possible. I still haven't figured it out. 


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