women and free will

As I reflect on a stressful, mentally taxing day, two things come to mind. The first, as usual, is women; the second is the direction of my life.

Much of today was spent anxiously thinking about relationships—past, present, and future. I found myself stuck on thoughts like “I was never happy” or “I’ll never be happy,” as bad memories resurfaced one after another. My inner dialogue framed my relationships as “bad” compared to the “good” ones I imagine other people have. Being single now, I feel like I need to change my approach to dating if I ever want something “better.” I tell myself I need to be the pursuer—more social, more mentally strong. At the same time, another part of me believes I’ll eventually find someone simply by being myself. That tension seems to mirror a broader theme in my life: who I think I should be versus who I actually am.

This brings me to the second thread of thought: fate and free will. Do we really choose our paths, or are we simply carried along by them? Personally, I feel like I haven’t been the one in control—and oddly, the more I lean into that belief, the lighter life feels. I can experience it as an observer rather than collapse under the pressure of believing I’m responsible for every outcome. Still, I’m not fully in tune with this mindset yet. Today especially was tough, weighed down by anxious thoughts and low energy. In those moments, it’s almost impossible to detach and just observe. All I wanted was for the feelings to end and for things to feel “normal” again. Only now, reflecting back, can I simply label it for what it was: a stressful day. In the moment, it felt like the world was crumbling.

As I practice letting go, I realize it’s not about flipping difficult emotions into positive ones. It’s about recognizing them for what they are and allowing them to exist without resistance. That’s still very hard for me—especially when the heaviness lingers all day. But tonight, I feel a little lighter, a little more at peace.