faith, family, and the lottery

 Life's been on the come up lately. I've adopted a faith based mindset that has temporarily at least changed my life. I have faith that the decisions I make, both professional and personal are inherently right. The outcome is either a win or a lesson, although I haven't faced many lessons as of recent. 

Being back home for the holidays put me in a very strange space. I'm returning willingly to an environment I tried so hard to escape. I was thrust first into the hands of my grandparents, aunt, and uncle who each decided where my cortisol levels should be. Feeling like I picked up on each and every insult and bitter remark my daily experience wasn't that positive. What was however, was the bond that created with my cousins and sister. We all agreed that our family was dysfunctional and had a good laugh about it–all while I worried if we'd end up in the exact same situation as we age. 

When we got back home with just my immediate family I got sick. Drowsiness, stuffy nose, and a headache were my main symptoms. I thought spending a period away from my dogs had somewhat reset my allergic resistance I had built up. After a nights rest I felt completely fine. Part of me thinks the stress somewhat broke me. 

Christmas was surprisingly nice. Giving presents felt good and I was present with my family. It got me thinking about the dichotomy of familial relations. They can stress me out to the point of sickness yet deep down I want only the best for them. I usually can't access that feeling when I'm with them and typically am more distraught and angry. It feels like something I need to fix but currently don't know how. 

I've been to therapy and I've read about trauma and all that jazz. As I said earlier, my belief is that of faith. Faith in my current reality. That what I'm doing and who I am with are the people I'm meant to be with. Likewise, if I find myself in an argument then that is what is meant to be happening and the result of that will push me to new scenarios and lessons in my life. 

When I'm with my family and I get these feelings of angst and anger I try to fight it, I try to bury it and be "present". I think those thoughts and emotions don't serve me here and will only lead to more problems. The contrasting thought to that is what if I should be angry? Should I be spending my time with these people who make me feel this type of way? Even if it's good some of the time, is forgiveness an option. Why does it feel like it's always me doing the forgiving. Why haven't they figured out life like I have? Am I narcissistic for believing that?

The truth is I haven't figured it out either in the sense of career and relationships. Deep down I yearn for better relationships and a better paying job. Being in New York for the past two months I feel like I've come somewhat close to achieving those things. I'm close and worry that's all I'll ever be–close. 

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This is a break from the ramble. I wanted to talk about another point regarding my current situation. As I've stated, it's been good recently. Money seems to be flowing, emotions on my mothers side and fathers side (a little less) have been up. I kind of get the feeling I'm in a hallmark movie. Like I've fully been immersed into US culture and into a somewhat wealthy family. That leaves me feeling strange. I've always thought of myself as someone on the outside looking in. Staring into the world of the happy families and judging them for their flaws. Thinking that the only way they made money is through generational wealth passed down. Now being part of that system I wonder what others think of me. Do I deserve this? Why are some people homeless while I seem to have won the lottery?