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numb

 I've been struggling with this feeling of numbness recently. As I've stated previously, things in my life really seem to be on the come up with work and overcoming fears. Still I feel an emptiness when I'm winding down for the evening. It's a restlessness that I am starting to really hate. I feel I should be doing something productive in this time like playing guitar or practicing some dance moves, or reading. But I numb myself with porn and other distractions on the internet.  I'm definitely craving some love from a women, I think that would help and I think back on my ex and wonder about what could have been. Then I have to snap myself back and remember that I ended things while we were together. So what I'm craving now isn't really her it's the feeling associated with someone liking you. It's chasing the feeling, and when you chase something it typically runs away from you. 
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I could if I wanted to but I don't

 I've been thinking about this a lot since I've been going out of my comfort zone more. I've reached a point where I don't feel like doing things out of my comfort zone every day. It gets tiring and the thought kind of bores me sometimes. I would sometimes rather just sit in my room and play video games. In my head I'll be angry at myself for not going out or doing a certain activity I had previously deemed scary. Like I'm not working on my goal to be more confident & social. So now I like to tell myself that it's not a fear holding me back from doing it, it's just me not finding it necessary to work on at the moment. It's coming from a place of choice rather than fear.
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feeling and anxiety dreams

I started taking some nicotine pouches recently in an attempt to quench my cigarette habit to have healthier lungs. It's a much different drug in my eyes as the effects are much more mellow and less apparent. Since I started three days ago I've also taken two naps. Both times I had nightmares where I woke up in a state of high anxiety that I could FEEL. This feeling didn't end after the dream and persisted yet I had controlled over it. I felt it but was able to calm myself down and be present with it. This occurred two days in a row only after naps. After the nap and anxiety I actually felt very good.  I think my feelings have been repressed for a long time and actually being able to feel something so heavily made me feel good. On that subject of feeling I've been practicing surrendering and sitting with emotions more frequently. I'm still not entirely sure what that really looks like but for me right now it just means trying to feel it in my body which is typically...
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friends

 I want friends and the only people I can seem to connect with on an emotional level are women. The problem then becomes that I want to sleep with them. My thought is that that is the way I'm programmed as a man and I shouldn't seek women friendships. Instead I should connect with men which unfortunately I've struggled with tremendously. I'm saying this having had close friends since high school yet I'm not able to bond with them the way I wish I could. It's difficult to explain the difference between male friendships and female friendships but the ladder typically energizes me and gives me confidence while the ladder feels like a chore. A lot of the guys I meet seem really stupid and only want to talk about sports.  I feel stuck wanting new friendships and relationships and constantly feeling like I either fuck it up or don't actually like the person. Typically it's the people I find most interesting that I struggle to interact with. I see all their goo...
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