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shame

 The last two days, post big celebrations that involved drinking, weed, and tobacco, have left me in a puddle of shame. I moved to New York and although I'm happy being here, I am not earning enough to support myself and need help from my mother. That alone makes me feel worthless and like an idiot for moving here. Those thoughts have compounded along with negative thoughts about my career choice. I'm an real estate agent in the city and all I can think about is how worthless the job is and how messed up society is. I'm just helping the real estate owners get richer and richer, widening the gap of equality.  The problem is I don't have any other skills that I can survive off.  Those are about 60% of the negative thoughts I've been having. The other portion is my lack of social IQ. I met up with a bunch of old friends for one of their birthdays and after smoking some weed I noticed how unbelievably out I touch I was with their going-ons. I barely knew anything about ...
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Seeing all these SEO classes makes me really question products people put out these days.

 People optimize their SEO or shape their product to fit that SEO instead of creating something unique or useful. It's just able to hit the requirements that get it on your page. Whilst the actual good content being made I believe is what actually sells. 
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date and job

 I've made this correlation before but I think that getting a girlfriend and landing a job are very similar things. I feel like both require a lot of trust that the others is it in for the right reasons. You need to think about the long term commitment of both.  Both make me nervous, I just want to do a good job, be a good boyfriend, and create wealth and connection. I don't want to do it wrong and get used at my job or be in a relationship that only takes and never gives. I tend to just stumble into things and check out how they go and hope that I'm not missing obvious red flags.
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Who I want to be

 I think I'm going to choose kindness. My past approach was more aggressive, scared and shut off behavior. I was afraid to be kind, like it would somehow make me seem weak and push me from my goals. My response to that now is in two parts. First I think being too strung up on a goal will only push it away, and second having the mindset of needing it makes me feel anger and anxiety effectively pushing me from whats actually happening.  I will do my best to act with kindness and integrity towards my values at every turn. If I feel like I'm doing something to get something in return I should stop. Act by emotion not by what you think others need.
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