fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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expectations

 I can't help but think of "500 Days of Summer" when talking about expectations. For those who don't know the movie follows a man in search of love. He often finds himself in situations that are totally normal and OKAY but since he has a massive expectation set on it, he sets himself up for failure. The reality is that you can't always get what you want but you get what you need. Love that lyric. 

In my case, I've been better about noticing the expectations I have. For example the need to get laid if I go out. Typically this resulted in me acting like a jackass to women and to my friends. Coincidentally it also didn't get laid. Even if the night was by all means a win, if it didn't live up to that standard I would be sad.

So for 2026 I'm going to be open to the limitless possibilities the world throws my way. Accept the challenges, perils, and opportunities. Stop putting expectations on how things should be or how you think people reacted. Be present, be you, and keep going. 

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