fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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June 29

 I'm gonna keep this one short cause I'm tired and it's late. Today was nice, I walked around and was able to talk to a bunch of people who are very important to me. Continuing to maintain and grow those connections is a must for me and is something I've been lacking in my life. 

My last call of the day was with one of my buddies back home. We talked about our psychedelic experiences and how it has changed our view of life. He was telling me that he had a zoomed-out perspective on everyday life and he said "everyone just wakes up and repeats the same day over and over again"  which I thought was interesting. I've definitely had parts of my life be like that and it sucks. Now, I'm more aware of what living is supposed to feel like and I try not to take for granted the people around me and the experiences there are to experience.


Still conflicted about the idea of finding a job and fitting into "society" vs living and seeing what happens. I'll write more about this when I'm not half asleep.

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