fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Oct 18

 I've kept myself pretty busy which has helped me from the crushing "reality" of my subconscious. 


The above is a thought I just had. Does it hold any validity? Maybe... I have kept busy to support myself financially and to get an education which is another form of "reality" I have to face. I no longer feel like I have time to go out on weekends and drink, but that kind of applies to making friends in general. Is this immature? or realistic? Honestly, my nights out and time spent with people have actually been much more rewarding than it has been in the past. 


Still, a little free time to rest the mind should be a daily necessity. Going to try and meditate when I can.

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