MAYBE MATURING

 Going out I find it increasingly difficult to talk to women. The idea of approaching a women and talking to her feels like I'm a salesman. It's like I'm putting on a performance with the message being "here is why you should fuck me".  Maybe I choose this reasoning cause I'm scared to get rejected. That notion is definitely true. Still I think I that approach won't net me the women I want. What will? I don't know but my assumption is that as long as I stay true to myself they will find me.  Maybe that's naive or delusional but I don't see a way around it. I'm looking in the wrong place. I don't think drinking in inherently bad but I can't get this drunk. I've said it before but I need to mean it. I just let myself go and follow someone else's lead whose equally if not more fucked up.  Cool it on the drinking, join groups, have a schedule that works. Play sports. Things will work out.

 After a night out I find myself conflicted by my actions. I shared a cigarette with a person who identified as "them" and it was pleasant. Unfortunately, I was tested immediately by two guys. We got into a conversation that seemed pleasant but took a turn for the worst when one of them said faggot. I took offense but wasn't quick to defend my new friend. Instead I inquired and in doing lost an ally. I saw the humanity in the man that said that term and reasoned with him. I told him I don't think he should say it but I didn't get mad.  My new friend left abruptly. At the end of the night I saw them and they told me that I didn't defend them.  I shouted back that I did but in my head I realized I didn't. I was cowardly. At that is where my first lesson is learned. Defend your beliefs even against scrutiny. There was a clear wrong and I tried to be a moderator knowing very well which side I was on.  In the future I won't make this mistake.