MAYBE MATURING

 I want to try and articulate the general place I'm at.  A few issues that consistently pop up in my head are these: - Feeling alone - Not trusting others - Judging others - Not feeling like I'm connecting to others.   - Feeling like I don't get what I want nor know what that is. In general, these are thoughts that pop into my head. Usually, the feeling that comes along with these is heavy and I would describe it as despair or hopeless. As if these things aren't ever going to get better.  I don't know if they are but what I've started to implement is just believing in the future. Anything could happen regardless of the perceived goodness or badness of an action. That has helped me quite a bit.  Another issue I struggle with is figuring out my boundaries, I still don't really know how to go about this. I can't think of what my boundaries are but will often feel when I'm doing something I don't want to do. It's just a matter of circumstance.  T...

 Didn't set an alarm this morning and woke up feeling groggy around 9:30 AM. The past few days I have been getting up at 6:30 and following a tight schedule of stretching, gym or kickboxing, and then meditation.  Usually, I'll follow up with basketball later in the day as well. Staying active has helped but I've been sore and decided a Wednesday is a good day to take a day off. I did but didn't skip the meditation or basketball and spent the rest of the day idle.  I don't think I'm going to skip the gym again for a while because man do these thoughts suck. Meditation has helped me realize and look at the thoughts through a different looking-glass however, the thoughts are very much present.  Today has been a lot about getting swept up in a thought and the feelings it brings with it, usually of shame or guilt and then realizing it's just a thought. The problem is this keeps happening constantly.  I just watched a podcast of a guy explaining how he meditated a...

 I have a hard time trusting people. It feels like lots have hidden agendas and little slips or weird-sounding sentences give them away. This could all be in my head but the feelings become even more perpetuated when I start listening to podcasters and online voices. Everyone has a take on the current situation and in the end you have zero clue who to trust.  All I do know is that there is poverty, homelessness, crime, and unhappiness in the streets of New York. It depresses me to know those things and it feels wrong that I don't live that life.  It gets me down that we still have so much suffering and it worries me that people don't seem to care.  I just want to feel like I have a certain understanding of how things work but in reality, I don't. Most people who are happy seem either oblivious to those things or have a mindset that is fixed and allows them to see the world in a certain way. For example, when they see people living in poverty they might think to thems...

 I tend not to trust my past self. Notes I write about ideas or psychological concepts always disgusted me after reading them the next day. Often I never go back and re-read what I previously wrote. During school I always took notes during class but almost never reviewed them. When the final came I went over the lecture slides again and took new notes.  It all seems like a waste of time if I'm not going to ever go back and look at what I was thinking.  The root cause of this is a lack of trust in myself which I believe has always been my problem. Trauma is involved in this process for sure but I've known this for a while and still can't get close to the actual problem.  It's hard to describe in words but I feel like it's an energy deep within that locks away true happiness. Instead, I get glimpses of happiness through drugs and ego boosts.  Maybe I've always wanted to be more and have more which blinded me from my pretty abundant reality.  Everything I ever...

 As optimistic as my last post sounded, I have been in a state of depression. It's no longer existential dread that keeps me up at night but more so the situation I'm in. I'm bored, unmotivated, and self-conscious.  Yesterday and today I started going to the gym again and applied to a few jobs which has helped. It feels like I'm getting back to my normal self but I still hate the idea that structure and work has to be the solution to my troubles.  I don't really know the problem, I don't ever know the problem. I've always thought I could figure it out by looking it up and then applying what I learned. Usually, this delusion kept me going and actually brought me some sense of happiness. When I eventually realize that I'm not actually getting better I then repeat the process and find another answer online or in a book.  For a day or two I was convinced I had ADHD and so I looked up remedies to help. Just now I find someone saying that it's not ADHD but...

 For the past few days, I've been living like a trust fund kid. I'm unemployed and have housing paid for. I've been doing my best to find meaning in doing nothing and honestly have been terrible at it. I do shrooms to get through the day and then feel pretty terrible at night.  Tonight I went out and actually had a great time with some buddies I met here where I'm staying. Throughout the night though I had this feeling of meaninglessness... I guess that's a word. Anyway, I wasn't getting horny or really feeling anything about the night or who I was spending time with. There was no anxiety but also no real emotion. When we left the club I started talking to the guys I was with about what they think of doing nothing and the meaning of life. The conversation wasn't that productive and I don't think I gained that much from it but I at least voiced my opinion and got to hear some feedback. When I left and went to bed all the feelings suddenly emerged and I fe...