For the past few days, I've been living like a trust fund kid. I'm unemployed and have housing paid for. I've been doing my best to find meaning in doing nothing and honestly have been terrible at it. I do shrooms to get through the day and then feel pretty terrible at night.
Tonight I went out and actually had a great time with some buddies I met here where I'm staying. Throughout the night though I had this feeling of meaninglessness... I guess that's a word. Anyway, I wasn't getting horny or really feeling anything about the night or who I was spending time with. There was no anxiety but also no real emotion. When we left the club I started talking to the guys I was with about what they think of doing nothing and the meaning of life. The conversation wasn't that productive and I don't think I gained that much from it but I at least voiced my opinion and got to hear some feedback.
When I left and went to bed all the feelings suddenly emerged and I felt a deep sense of existential dread. My life and everything I do doesn't really have a meaning and I couldn't really find a way out of the thinking. Luckily for me, the internet exists and a quick youtube search pretty much answered my question. The one video I watched helped me flip the perspective on the dread. If nothing truly mattered then I'm completely free to experience life how I want to experience it. This means sending risky texts or doing anything that my prior anxiety would have stopped me from doing.
I feel like I'm free to do whatever I want (except hurting others) and not feel an attachment to the outcome.
It's freeing and I hope, I can continue to live this way.
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