The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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June 30 - existential dread

 For the past few days, I've been living like a trust fund kid. I'm unemployed and have housing paid for. I've been doing my best to find meaning in doing nothing and honestly have been terrible at it. I do shrooms to get through the day and then feel pretty terrible at night. 

Tonight I went out and actually had a great time with some buddies I met here where I'm staying. Throughout the night though I had this feeling of meaninglessness... I guess that's a word. Anyway, I wasn't getting horny or really feeling anything about the night or who I was spending time with. There was no anxiety but also no real emotion. When we left the club I started talking to the guys I was with about what they think of doing nothing and the meaning of life. The conversation wasn't that productive and I don't think I gained that much from it but I at least voiced my opinion and got to hear some feedback.

When I left and went to bed all the feelings suddenly emerged and I felt a deep sense of existential dread. My life and everything I do doesn't really have a meaning and I couldn't really find a way out of the thinking. Luckily for me, the internet exists and a quick youtube search pretty much answered my question. The one video I watched helped me flip the perspective on the dread. If nothing truly mattered then I'm completely free to experience life how I want to experience it. This means sending risky texts or doing anything that my prior anxiety would have stopped me from doing. 

I feel like I'm free to do whatever I want (except hurting others) and not feel an attachment to the outcome. 

It's freeing and I hope, I can continue to live this way. 

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