The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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July 6

 I tend not to trust my past self. Notes I write about ideas or psychological concepts always disgusted me after reading them the next day. Often I never go back and re-read what I previously wrote. During school I always took notes during class but almost never reviewed them. When the final came I went over the lecture slides again and took new notes. 

It all seems like a waste of time if I'm not going to ever go back and look at what I was thinking. 

The root cause of this is a lack of trust in myself which I believe has always been my problem. Trauma is involved in this process for sure but I've known this for a while and still can't get close to the actual problem. 

It's hard to describe in words but I feel like it's an energy deep within that locks away true happiness. Instead, I get glimpses of happiness through drugs and ego boosts. 

Maybe I've always wanted to be more and have more which blinded me from my pretty abundant reality. 

Everything I ever did had a cloud over it because I knew I could have more money, better friends, a hotter girlfriend, and the list goes on. 

I don't want to get too sociological but... "success" is promoted extremely heavily across the media I consume and with the people I meet. Usually, this is some sort of financial success like starting a business or getting a high-paying job. That's great and all but if it's something you don't like doing and the only reason you keep at it is for the potential future benefits of it then you are living in a fantasy and your employers know that.



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