The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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July 14

 I want to try and articulate the general place I'm at. 

A few issues that consistently pop up in my head are these:

- Feeling alone

- Not trusting others

- Judging others

- Not feeling like I'm connecting to others.  

- Feeling like I don't get what I want nor know what that is.


In general, these are thoughts that pop into my head. Usually, the feeling that comes along with these is heavy and I would describe it as despair or hopeless. As if these things aren't ever going to get better. 

I don't know if they are but what I've started to implement is just believing in the future. Anything could happen regardless of the perceived goodness or badness of an action. That has helped me quite a bit. 

Another issue I struggle with is figuring out my boundaries, I still don't really know how to go about this. I can't think of what my boundaries are but will often feel when I'm doing something I don't want to do. It's just a matter of circumstance. 

The problem I also face is feeling like I dislike the people I'm with. I never feel like I'm connecting with them and thus never have a good time. It fucking blows and I don't know what to do. 


But there are also good things going on. I started to get up earlier and get a fitness routine going. This has helped tremendously as well as the continued meditation practice. I just feel like I'm at a weird standstill and I don't want to follow any more advice from anyone but also don't want to continue living the way I have been. 


I think the main problem is really struggling to connect with at least one person. I feel like they have to be the one and they can't have any flaws but that's just not realistic. 





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