July 14

 I want to try and articulate the general place I'm at. 

A few issues that consistently pop up in my head are these:

- Feeling alone

- Not trusting others

- Judging others

- Not feeling like I'm connecting to others.  

- Feeling like I don't get what I want nor know what that is.

In general, these are thoughts that pop into my head. Usually, the feeling that comes along with these is heavy and I would describe it as despair or hopeless. As if these things aren't ever going to get better. 

I don't know if they are but what I've started to implement is just believing in the future. Anything could happen regardless of the perceived goodness or badness of an action. That has helped me quite a bit. 

Another issue I struggle with is figuring out my boundaries, I still don't really know how to go about this. I can't think of what my boundaries are but will often feel when I'm doing something I don't want to do. It's just a matter of circumstance. 

The problem I also face is feeling like I dislike the people I'm with. I never feel like I'm connecting with them and thus never have a good time. It fucking blows and I don't know what to do. 

But there are also good things going on. I started to get up earlier and get a fitness routine going. This has helped tremendously as well as the continued meditation practice. I just feel like I'm at a weird standstill and I don't want to follow any more advice from anyone but also don't want to continue living the way I have been. 

I think the main problem is really struggling to connect with at least one person. I feel like they have to be the one and they can't have any flaws but that's just not realistic.