MAYBE MATURING

 I like aspects of my job but when I reflect on the day after coming home I realize how conflicted I feel. There are coworkers I like and coworkers I dislike. Airing out my grievances isn’t something I necessarily enjoy doing at work so usually keep the peace. The problem is that I feel like I’m being fake and not living in good energy fields during that time. If I work 50% of a shift with a coworker I dislike I have that thought in the back of my mind constantly.  The grievances I have with one particular co-worker is cause he’s a creep. He's in his 30s and is obviously trying to sleep with young college girls and that just rubs me the wrong way. The thing is that I’m exactly like him. I want to sleep with them too but just rationalize my wanting to as okay cause I’m younger. I wonder if I’ll think differently as I get older. 

 I've been posting less cause I've been feeling really good. My life hasn't really changed but my perspective on it has. The last few days however have been tougher. I've been on somewhat of a comedown marked by a lack of work and resting after a soccer match. Spending a lot of time alone reflecting on the last two weeks and my progress. Notably trying to figure out how I can get back to the state I was in just a few days ago. I realized that I had slipped back into old habits of blaming others. For example a thought that often crosses my mind is that I need new friends. My friends of almost 10 years have flaws for sure and in my head they are the ones stopping me from succeeding. Succeeding with women mainly but socially in general. This victim mentality doesn't help me but it's been a constant in my life, blaming my parents as well. This resulted in me holding back a lot of love for them and in retrospect myself. These are my boys and I love them like family. ...

 Recently I've been practicing letting go which is basically the practice of sitting with emotions and letting them pass. Typically when this starts it's difficult because you have a lot of suppressed emotions over the years which sit inside of you. So the last few weeks when I wake up and before bed I sit and feel my body and any uncomfortable sensations that arise. During the day when I notice I'm having a lot of negative thoughts, instead of reading into them too much I feel my body and which emotion is making those thoughts arise.  It's a very interesting practice that I feel has propelled my life in the right direction like no other practice has. I feel like I have more energy around people and with life things. I'm optimistic about my experiences and relationships.  Certain doubts come up like, is the version of me who has let go and being more free truly myself or am I just acting positive. Cause I truly want to be friends with everyone and it feels like I sh...