fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Resistence to forgiveness

 I've been posting less cause I've been feeling really good. My life hasn't really changed but my perspective on it has. The last few days however have been tougher. I've been on somewhat of a comedown marked by a lack of work and resting after a soccer match. Spending a lot of time alone reflecting on the last two weeks and my progress. Notably trying to figure out how I can get back to the state I was in just a few days ago. I realized that I had slipped back into old habits of blaming others. For example a thought that often crosses my mind is that I need new friends. My friends of almost 10 years have flaws for sure and in my head they are the ones stopping me from succeeding. Succeeding with women mainly but socially in general. This victim mentality doesn't help me but it's been a constant in my life, blaming my parents as well. This resulted in me holding back a lot of love for them and in retrospect myself.

These are my boys and I love them like family. I need to remind myself that it's not worth changing myself for a women or anyone. And that forgiving them for their imperfections heals me most. That was really how I started thriving, letting go of being perfect and being happy with who I was around. It's not super easy to maintain and I slipped a little but hopefully I can get back on the horse. The main thing is resisting forgiveness and getting over that hump.

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