fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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June 23

 I've been micro-dosing now for about a month. The protocol is 5 days on and 2 days off. After a month you take a month off. 


I will do my best to be sober for the next month. From my experience so far on psychedelics, I can say confidently it has changed my life.


Earlier I wrote about my perspective shift but want to elaborate further for myself in case I ever read through these.


What psychedelics do is help you see past the bullshit. They help you understand that you don't need to be treated badly because you're an intern, student, or young person. The promise of school and entry-level jobs is a promotion or something to put on your resume. Because, once you have those things you can finally start doing what you want to do. 


What if I just try and do what I want to do right now. I'm an adult, and I have the capability and discipline to learn. I used to put labels on things like "I can't do that" referring to a job or a skill. 

Maybe I can't but labeling it without having ever actually committed to trying it is delusional. Honestly, most of my thinking was delusional. About women, careers, future, and past. I made rules for how things should be and it was killing me. 





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