fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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June 27

 Woke up around 1:20 PM today. I haven't had much to do or direction since quitting my job last Friday. I'm continuing my morning routine of stretching and meditation and am still going to the gym. If I were to describe how I'm feeling it would be a mix of boredom, loneliness, and anxiety. The last 5 years of my life have been planned out and executed to perfection. My confidence came from what I had achieved materially yet I still suffered immensely. My lows came from the fear of not achieving what I had set out to achieve. For example, getting a bad grade. 

I still have another year of school left but I don't want to think about that right now. I want to feel what it's like to want nothing. Even now I'm thinking about my next move, the next thing I can attach my self-worth to. 

After waking up I did my routine, went to the gym, then ate, smoked some cigarettes, and played video games. 

I talked to my brother which was great and just now got me thinking that I should mend my family relations during my free time. 


The day feels long when I'm not doing anything but there is rarely a time that I ever dread the next day. 

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