attachment and emotional states

 I've been through an emotional roller coaster as of late. There are moments of intensity though I'll say that I've been able to almost take a third person perspective on it as opposed to the past. I'm sitting with emotions, studying them more clearly now. Sometimes I don't understand them, and often I want to change them. Tonight I couldn't understand what I felt, I know I want this girl to love me, but I also know that I'm overly attaching myself to someone I've met once briefly. I do that every time. Any interaction with a women I find attractive becomes this do or die situation where I need to act. I need to ask her out, look impressive, look non-chalant. Then the moment passes, she gets off the subway and my heart sinks. For that moment though I'm happy. She chose me, she chose to stand next to me, when she turned around she wanted me to look at her butt.  These thoughts keep me trapped, and make any interaction with someone I'm attracted to...
Post a Comment

June 27

 Woke up around 1:20 PM today. I haven't had much to do or direction since quitting my job last Friday. I'm continuing my morning routine of stretching and meditation and am still going to the gym. If I were to describe how I'm feeling it would be a mix of boredom, loneliness, and anxiety. The last 5 years of my life have been planned out and executed to perfection. My confidence came from what I had achieved materially yet I still suffered immensely. My lows came from the fear of not achieving what I had set out to achieve. For example, getting a bad grade. 

I still have another year of school left but I don't want to think about that right now. I want to feel what it's like to want nothing. Even now I'm thinking about my next move, the next thing I can attach my self-worth to. 

After waking up I did my routine, went to the gym, then ate, smoked some cigarettes, and played video games. 

I talked to my brother which was great and just now got me thinking that I should mend my family relations during my free time. 


The day feels long when I'm not doing anything but there is rarely a time that I ever dread the next day. 

Comments

Post a Comment