fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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June 28

Today I took some shrooms. Penis Envy's to be precise. I usually stick to the chocolate bars but have been using those for a while and thought I'd experiment with something new. I had bought an eighth and did a little more than half figuring the strain is about 1.5 times as potent. In hindsight, I should have done more since the trip was fairly mellow but I have no regrets. 

The one note I jotted down on my phone was this.


"Never do anything for anyone. Do it for yourself. If you want to impress anyone, impress yourself."


Wow, I'm truly a visionary... 

Although this sounds like every single motivational speech on the planet, in the moment I could truly feel the meaning behind it. If I had to recall what brought these thoughts to mind I'd think about the feelings and words I hold back when around others. These are usually personal feelings or aspirations. I really wish I had just one person to talk to who I didn't feel was judging me. 


Here is a list of some topics I shy away from talking about. I will try and slowly be more about talking about these things with close friends.


My feelings (will talk about feeling happy but never about feeling sad)

My writing

My projects



My mind was pretty scrambled writing all this but I got the general topics out. I was wearing my grey hoodie and Air Force's today. I love that fit.




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