The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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Oct 10

 I'm getting back into a groove after being pretty depressed all weekend. I started going to the gym again and cooking my own food instead of living off of Taco Bell.

A thought that has been on my mind recently is this disconnect I have from what I really want. An example I can think of is with women, where I get the urge to say something but it doesn't come out. Then, because I didn't say something and I see this person again it feels incredibly awkward and I don't bring it up. 

I wish I was just honest about it and said like "Hey look I know what happened the other day was weird and I just wanted to know how you are feeling". Instead, I just talk about some random shit that has nothing to do with either of us. 

That's just an example but this applies to my parents too, or my siblings. Sometimes I want to get really mad at my parents, but then I don't. And then it festers till I explode. I also want to tell my siblings how much I care about them but that seems impossible.


There is a clear disconnect between my feelings and my actions. I'm getting better at identifying when it is that I feel a certain way but my mind is extremely quick to make up excuses why I shouldn't feel that way or why I shouldn't express myself. 

It's only after the fact that I can step back from the situation and see that I could have handled it a lot better but I was just scared. 

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