The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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Oct 6

After leaving New York I stopped writing online and instead have been filling a composition notebook with my thoughts. There were a few rough days/weeks earlier in the semester which were made better by simply journaling what I was thinking. I guess that's why I do it but being at such a low point really allowed me to just spit out whatever thought I was having onto the pages. 

I don't want to get too explicit but my mind can go to pretty dark places sometimes but being able to write those things down is nice. For a lot of my life, I actively tried to suppress those thoughts. An example I can think of is being around people I don't really enjoy. I kind of just thought it was normal, even getting into relationships I didn't necessarily want. I think most of it has to do with a need for security and comfort. If I speak up or act how I want, I risk losing friends, sex, and intimacy. 

In my head I would know these things but fight it until eventually most of those thoughts just manifested. Most of my relationships end in very unfulfilling ways. I never truly know what the other person is feeling and then again most of the time I don't care. 

Then, randomly some nights I'll think back about how much of a piece of shit I was. 

It's getting better though, that is, getting what I want. I learned about this thing called the locus of control which is basically how you perceive reality. If you have an external locus of control you think that you have no control over the direction of your life. If you have an internal locus you believe that your actions control your future. 

For a while this mindset allowed me to harness in on my studies as they are a means by which I can fulfill my most desired need: security. 


Security and money have been the most important thing to me and have now led me to live with a pretty miserable mindset. Having any kind of fun outside of doing my homework or working feels like a waste. 

I've reverted back to a more external locus but hope to find balance with both. 


I was listening to a YouTube video by Joseph Campbell, who as far as I can understand has a very strong external locus of control. He talks about bliss and how following it will lead you all kinds of new opportunities you would have never imagined. 

I really like this perspective and think that in some respect he is right, but then another part of my mind argues that I can't do that. I have to take responsibility and finish school, and get a good job. 


It's basically how much I trust in future uncertainties. I don't know if I'll ever know, I probably won't. But if good things happen I tend to put my trust in the cause and if bad things happen I tend to put my fault in the cause. So, as good things and bad things naturally happen I will stay confused. 








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