Oct 7

 There's something about Saturday nights that really gets me down. I usually find ways to distract myself by talking to some friends and playing video games but on nights when no one is on and no one is around in person my mind gets to me.

I want to have a social life but I don't and even when I do I feel like it should be better. I feel like I should be around different, better people but I'm not. Now when I'm alone I crave anything. It's a weird pain, I don't really know what I want. Usually, I can pinpoint some cause but it's an empty pit. I don't even feel like anyone hates me or anything, I'm just alone and don't really know what to do with myself. 

I don't think the zyn's help, I don't think nicotine helps but I still do it anyway. It's like a weed, I try and convince myself that I should like it but most of the time it just makes me feel awful, and then I start to think something is wrong with me. 

I've been here before though, and I know that I can get back into a grove but for the time being it's painful. I want someone to talk to but don't trust that they won't judge me for it. I really have to work on opening up to at least one person. The thought of getting rejected though is almost too much to bear though and that's the hardest part. 

I was going through some parlays I made based on 0 football knowledge. It's kind of impressive how many I got wrong. I jokingly told my friends that next week I'm going to do the opposite of what my instincts tell me. I'll see if that opens me up a bit and allows me to treat life a little less seriously and more like a game.