The Right Way To Look at The World

I've been watching the first season of The White Lotus and for those unfamiliar with the show, it follows a few rich families as they spend their time at a resort in Hawaii. Each family is massively flawed though one particularly caught my attention due to their conversations. The mother is a CEO of a multinational cooperation, the father is unknown but makes less than her, son is addicted to pornography and screens, and daughter is a drug addict with insane jealousy issues. They all have different ideas of what is right and voice them often. The daughter has a black friend who she brought, who both share the idea that "it's time for the white man to step aside" which is contrary to the mother who feels for her son, saying that it's not his fault and not he's being unfairly ostracized from society. The resort they are staying at used to be native and sacred land but the government and developers didn't care. Some of those natives now work at the hotel. Tha...
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Dec 15

 Who am I? I so desperately want to answer this question and it feels like if I focus hard enough on it I'll break through and understand. Maybe that's true but for now, I'm still stuck on the question. There are a few things I'm starting to understand about myself. The first is that my mood is very reactive to my environment. I'll give you an example. My day could be going great but then I get an email about my internet bill. For whatever reason my provider decided to raise my bill by $5. This immediately makes me angry, I think an injustice has been done to me because I didn't read the fine print. I'm not only mad at the company but now I'm mad at the whole system. How can something so innately unfair be allowed? Maybe under a different system, this wouldn't be an issue. Maybe money in and of itself is the issue, it creates winners and losers and exploiters and the exploited. 

All these thoughts come up because of a $5 increase in my monthly expenses. Now I'm sitting in my room thinking about how unfair the system is and how in a year, when I graduate, I'll be part of that very system. I'll be a part of something I hate which makes me hate myself. 


Another example would be if a peer criticizes me or in any way makes me feel like I did something wrong. This brings up past memories of times when I wasn't a good friend or could have been a better person. I can't seem to cope with the fact that I make mistakes. 

These are two interesting things I've found out about myself recently. I think the source of the money issue is past familial struggles with finances and a lack of fundamental understanding of our systems. On the issue that brings up shame, I believe past traumas stopped me from showing any sort of resistance to bullying, criticism, or any other kind of boundary-pushing. I would just ride with the punches cause at least those people were in my life and didn't leave me. My true nature might be buried deep below the mountains of perceived characteristics I take on that I believe people will like me for.


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