fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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Jan 5 - 2

This is a little different. I usually write these journal entries/blog posts when I’m high but tonight I’m drunk as fuck. I went out with some homies who I’ve known for so long and although I didn’t think I would, I had a great time. When I got home I felt a little nautious and threw up. I’m feeling better now and got the urge to write something. Being drunk is so much different than smoking for me. I guess I’m both right now but drinking really boosts some type of energy in me. I feel connected to myself and the world around me, I feel grateful for what I have. These feelings aren’t there when I’m sober or high. I doubt my relationships, my family, my friends, my future. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Now I feel great, I want to tell the people I love that I love them and I want this feeling of peace to last. I’m writing this cause I think I know that this won’t last, at least not in the short term. I will go back to my old ways of doubt, fear, and guilt and I guess that’s okay. For now though I’m happy, confident, and connected to myself.

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