fault, anger

 I'm angry at people and myself for a situation that happened. I can acknlowedge my own wrong-doing in the matter and feel lots of guilt and shame about it. I also see flaws in how others acted. This brings a lot of anger to the surface and I feel like I'm not allowed to express it because I may have been "more" in the wrong. -- I've seemed to convince myself that I am this terrible person. Someone that's abusive and deserves to be alone. Any thoughts to the contrary get swallowed up, often by rage and vindictiveness towards others. I think in black and white. I'm either the complete issue or I'm the victim to these people. Otherwise I cannot find a reason to excuse my behavior and forgive myself. 
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August 16th

 I took a break from writing my thoughts online but felt the urge to write something because I'm starting to nail down critical info. 

The root of my problem seems to lie with my inability to trust others. I've been betrayed by people I trusted when I was younger and although I can't pinpoint the exact moment, the switch has been flipped for a long time. This has led to internalizing stress and hatred and acting like nothing was wrong. If I tell someone I fear they will hurt me more or leave. I have built a very strong barrier that I have yet to conquer. 

I think a therapist can help with this but Ideally I would love to get over it with some of my friends. 



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